If you thought the U.S. was caught with its proverbial pants down and unprepared for the Covid-19 coronavirus pandemic, imagine what would happen should a zombie apocalypse grip our country.
Would political leaders try to minimize the problem, claiming that becoming a rotting corpse with body parts falling off is not so bad?
Or continuously say that the apocalypse was “rounding the corner?
Would people be arguing about how many people actually have become zombies, claiming that some zombies were actually people who just needed a little more sun?
Would some political leaders push for a “herd immunity” strategy in which the country just allows the apocalypse to happen?
After all, simply letting everyone become a zombie could solve so many problems such as wondering what to wear each day and not having enough toilet paper around, right?
Well, a zombie apocalypse could be a major disaster, and our country is probably not adequately prepared for such an eventuality. That doesn’t mean the CDC has no advice. The CDC does offer a Zombie Preparedness guide, which contains some useful information.
For example, they recommend having an emergency kit in your house. And that doesn’t mean just a stash of avocado toast and tequila. Instead, according to the CDC, such an emergency kit should have the following:
- Water: Store at least one gallon per person per day that you think you may be trapped during an emergency. This should be at least three days, although a two week supply would be even better. Of course, a zombie apocalypse could go on for a lot longer and storing over 1000 gallons may not be so easy. So what about buying a good water purifier?
- Food: These should be non-perishable items otherwise you may be quite disappointed when you need them. Make sure that the food covers enough food groups and is as healthy as possible. After a while, eating nothing but marshmallow Peeps could cause problems. Buy your preparedness food here…
- Medications: These should be prescription and non-prescription medication that you may need. Note that a stash of nothing but Viagra may not be so helpful during a zombie apocalypse.
- Tools and Supplies: The CDC suggests having things like a utility knife, duct tape, and a battery powered radio. A smartphone may not be as useable should the cellular network and Internet go down. Keep in mind that most battery powered radios can’t take selfies.
- Sanitation and Hygiene: Examples include soap, towels, and household bleach, which, by the way, you should not inject into your body.
- Clothing and Bedding: These should include clothes that offer reasonable protection. A collection of thongs alone, for example, would not serve this purpose.
- Important documents: The CDC specifically mentions your driver’s license, passport, and birth certificate. A Starbuck’s loyalty card and a Avengers membership card would probably not be useful during a Zombie apocalypse.
- First Aid supplies: The CDC does warn that a Band-aid won’t do a whole lot for a zombie bite.
Concerns about a zombie attack are not the only reasons to keep such items around. They could be handy for nearly any type of emergencies, such as a flood, a hurricane, a tornado, or even an earthquake.
The CDC also suggests establishing an emergency plan with your family. This includes identifying the types of emergencies that are possible in your area. If you can only come up with a zombie apocalypse and hot dog shortage as possibilities, think harder. Unless you live on Sesame Street with Mr. Snuffleupagus, every location has its set of possible major disasters.
A second suggestion from the CDC is to pick a meeting place for your family to regroup in case you get separated and can’t return to or stay in your home. As basically any horror movie, whether its Fright Night, The Cabin in the Woods, or Happy Gilmour, has shown you, saying, “let’s split up, gang” can be a bad thing, especially when there is no clear plan on how to get back together. As they say when you are running away from zombies, when you are in a group, you only have to run faster than the slowest person in the group.
A third suggestion is identifying your emergency contacts. This list should include more than just Justin Bieber. Sure meeting the Biebs may be on your bucket list, but the police, the fire department, your doctor, and maybe a zombie hunter like Milla Jovovich would serve you better during an emergency. Plus, “Yummy” is not a song that you want to be singing to zombies.
A fourth recommendation from the CDC is plan your evacuation route. Know where to go to get out of town quickly during an emergency. Memorize this route. Don’t rely on Google maps to help you navigate during an emergency.
Again, much of the advice offered by the CDC Zombie Preparedness website is applicable to many different emergencies, not just a zombie apocalypse, with the exception of statements like “when zombies are hungry they won’t stop until they get food (i.e., brains).”
The CDC does say that its website began as a tongue-in-cheek campaign. So the CDC doesn’t seem to be saying that a zombie apocalypse will happen in 2021 or anytime soon. Of course, this assumes that tongue-in-cheek means something like “whimsical exaggeration.” A zombie apocalypse could result in many real tongues being in many others’ real cheeks. [Forbes]
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I laughed so hard. I haven’t laughed since 2019. Thank you!!!
Translation: No one is coming to help you, you’re on your own! Pro tip: be well armed.
Anyone remember the song by a group called “The Hooters” back in the 1980’s called “All You Zombies” (or similar)? The song never really resonated with me until I thought about it recently. “All you zombies hide your faces…”
Give it a listen.
here is the link for the song https://youtu.be/2LE0KpcP05I
We’ve been in a zombie apocalypse since Obama. The zombies are the bloody democrats and democrat voters.
So Bill Gates and Fauci squirt our countrymen full of zombie juice and call it a vaccine and then they want the rest of us to finish killing them off. Ok,I got the picture.
Vaccines creating the Zombies. They want us to think it is from an airborne virus.
They forgot the guns and ammo part of their zombie apocalypse baloney.
Light ’em up, and smoke ’em like a cigar.
Window in the forehead, bye bye zombies.
and another thing …. these “emergency agensies” in the US like FEMA, CDC etc. spend billions on their stupid war-game copy computer games of what to do in hurricanes etc. to allocate resources etc. And they have huge, huge budgets for “education” (buying ad spots and making comics etc.) that just tout their agency and are ineffectual in real life situations.
Then when a hurricane happens they don’t do a go–amn thing. The food and water don’t get moving for a week. The Nat’l Guard isn’t sent for a week. No one even does any search and rescue except local authorities. In Texas food was WITHHELD and not distributed. etc.etc.
I had a post about the #@[email protected]#! zombie fixation at CDC in 2020. What is up with them??